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Celibacy was a very curious thing for me. At first it was difficult – not only do I have a pretty active libido, but I also was quite used to sending out a vibe that said “Sex? Yes please!” and stopping myself from doing that proved to be an interesting process. In the end, what I ended up doing was essentially a hermitage – after all, if I am not seeing people, it’s not that hard to NOT fuck them. This wasn’t really my intent per se starting out, or at least, not one I thought of consciously, but it being one of the best pieces of it. Not that being a hermit is a great thing necessarily (and for me can easily be a sign of depression) but it really helped me to break my NEED PEOPLE OMG WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE??? addiction. And that, my friends, is a great thing. More importantly, it is a highly needed thing, especially in that it gave me the time and space to recognize, relinquish, and move on from my ended marriage.

I have always been addicted to the rollercoaster rush of intense emotions in a relationship – particularly a high drama, difficult relationship. This wasn’t exactly a newsflash – it’s fair to say I’ve known this about myself for many years. However, knowing there’s a problem and changing it are two very different things. Now, this issue had already gotten much better with the advent on poly in my life (and, for those that know me well and are raising an eyebrow here, let me just add: you don’t even know the HALF of what it was like BEFORE poly!). There was a time when I would have done anything for this man, and everything I could to get him back when he left. And, to an extent, I was better about that when he left this last time. I knew why it wouldn’t work, and why, although he is a lovely human being, we don;t work well as a couple. At least…I thought I did. But when I went through my celibate, hermitage period and really got away from…everything, including much of my own internal chatter, I had time and space for things to sink in, to become part of my *identity* in a way that they hadn’t before. (See? It all relates!) In fact, my identity was BUILT around my being in that relationship. It was part of my core. And while my relationship with D will *always* be a part of who I am (hell, I’ve known him now more than half my life, and had a relationship with him for longer than I knew my father, who died when I was 13!) I have finally altered how that fits in my idnetity. That me-shaping relationsip helped form me…IN THE PAST. My identity with regards to D has finally settled down into something that is not front and center. And, more importantly, my view of “ideal” romantic relationships has altered a great deal.

I realized a few months ago that D and I have always had a VERY strong sexual connection, as well as a strong emotional connection. And, as befots the societal narrative of One True Love, we tried to fit our relationship into the proscribed box. There’s just one problem with that: we are not compatible as a couple. We make amazing lovers and decent friends, but as a couple, we drive each other batty and easily bring out the very worst in each other. And yet we kept BELIEVING, because, isn’t love supposed to conquer all? The thing is, it doesn’t, and it really isn’t fair to expect it to. I still love D a great deal in many ways, but in no way, shape or form can we live together. And you know what? That’s ok. It is so much easier to accept people for who and what they are to you, than to try and make them fit some definition that doesn’t quite mesh. It’s a lesson I wish I had really “gotten” earlier, but hey, that’s part of the process, right? Part of what I realized is that there are many things I will not “do for love” anymore. I will not give up my identity “for love.” I will not uproot my life “for love.” I will not give up things that I need “in the name of love.” I occasionally fell anti-romantic like this, but it’s worth it, because I feel so much healthier. And happier. Not being plugged into the emotional rollercoaster (“but if you loved me you would change your name”) is less exciting, but does constant nausea really count as excitement? Not anymore, for me.

One thing I didn’t expect at all is that my lust for sex and D/s in specific has cut down to a manageable level. I still miss having a live-in partner (daily sex is AWESOME and someday I’d like me some of that again, thanks) but I’m not clawing at the walls to get my fix either, and that’s a welcome thing. I am thinking about sex more now than over the summer (when my celibacy officially ended), probably because I did have a fairly regular partner at that time and now I mostly don’t (and my free time is going way down for unrelated reasons). With that in mind, I’ve giving thought to attending orgies again 😀 mostly because with so little time I’m not too expectant of finding a serious/primary partner and parties = lots of bang for your buck. 😉 On the downside, none of said parties are local to me, so everything involves a fair amount of travel and that kinda sucks.

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When I tell my friends (and lovers) that I am choosing to be celibate for a good period of time (until July 2011), they are often perplexed as to why I would choose this. I’m not surprised; it’s a little shocking even to me, and I’m the one making the decision! In case you don’t know, to give a little background, I have LONG been a supporter of positive sexuality, have been polyamorous for quite a few years, and have no qualms about telling people I LOVE sex. So, why give it up then?

It’s a damn fine question. In fact, I have to admit that I didn’t decide to be celibate for a particular set of reasons; rather, I decided it was right for me at this moment, intuitively, and only later set about thinking of what ways this benefits me at this time. And there are numerous ways…I’m sure I’ll miss some but here are a few of the big ones that come to mind:

A great deal has happened this year, and the biggest by far is my separation from (and soon to be divorce from) my exhusband. I have been with him, off and on (on more than off), for the past fourteen years. We started dating when I was sixteen. He was my second boyfriend, and the second person/time I ever had sex. I’ve been fucking him a LOOONG time! Needless to say, my character was greatly influenced by this relationship, and so was my sexuality. In many ways, for both of us, we have no idea who we would be without the influence of the other. I have known D for almost half my life (I’m 31 now) and actually, truly, moving on from that relationship has had a tremendous impact on me.

We had actually separated once in the past, for two years, but we saw each other very frequently during that time, and were physically involved shortly thereafter. This time is different: he lives three hours away and, although he sees the kids every weekend, we hardly see each other for more than 5-10 minutes a week. Getting this distance has been good for both of us, and it has made me see several things clearly that I have ignored/looked over/glazed over in the past. One of the things that has been a constant between us is an extremely powerful physical connection. The force, the gravity, of that connection was overwhelming. It was an addiction. The physical pull towards each other was so strong, and intensified our emotional connection so much, that we both were constantly drawn to each other despite many significant differences in outlook and personality that caused constant strife between us. We have wildly different approaches to finances, to parenting, to housekeeping, to holidays, to family..and those are only the biggies. With the distance we have now, I can see clearly that he does not share ideals that I wish to share with a primary partner. And here is the crux of things: I do wish to have a primary partner again. For a while, I did not. I did not want the entanglement, the stress, the drama that could easily come from such a commitment. But, as time has gone by, I realized I do miss certain things. I miss the feeling of being part of a team, of having someone to snuggle with at the end of the night, someone to coparent with, someone to share resources with, to giggle with over silly little things.

In realizing this, I began to do something I had never done before: I made a list of qualities I need in such a partner. These things are not complicated: a similar parenting style, financially stable, able to budget, poly, preferably kinky. The only one that surprised me was the realization that I want someone who has their own kids: because I am DONE with that part of my life. I enjoyed childbirth very much, both times, but I have no desire to start over with a baby as I would someday like to have MY life again. Anyway, when I made this list, I also saw that it’s important for me to connect with someone strongly in a mental way first, BEFORE any physical connection. Because I am very “boy” that way – if the sex is great, I get distracted, I overlook important, VITAL compatibility issues. And I am simply unwilling to do that anymore. (I find it rather ironic that, far from the “usual” female reason for celibacy in dating, i.e. to be sure the guy wants to be with her ASIDE from sex, I have the opposite problem: I am fully confident that people want much more from me than the sex, but I need to be sure *I* don’t get caught up in the sex and distracted…that is, I need to be sure I want THEM without the sex lol!)

SO that’s one major reason why I feel pulled to this celibacy thing.

Another one has to do with sex and my libido. When D moved out in May, it hit me hard. I missed the sex something fierce, and I wasn’t really enjoying sex so much with other people. In large part, that is due to the fact that the D/s in our relationship was so predominant, and I really don’t sub to anyone else. So I missed the submission tremendously, and it had a dampening effect on everything else. However, I know myself very well, and *because* I was craving submission so strongly, I knew I could not trust myself to navigate a scene wisely…so I abstained totally from D/s. It sucked, but it was the best thing for me. Meanwhile, my libido continued to be nonexistant. I continued to have sex on a fairly regular basis, but it was mainly driven by other people’s desire. That is, if THEY wanted to, I was fine with it, but if someone else didn’t make a first more, I would have gone the whole night just snuggling. It’s very easy for me to adopt a “why not?” attitude with sex. I don’t have to be lusting after it like crazy to decide “sure” when someone else is interested. I do enjoy it in the moment, I do cum, but the *motivation* to make it happen wasn’t in ME. So a good portion of this celibacy choice is to address that as well. I feel that, to solve the Case of My Missing Libido, being very selfish with my body and allowing ME to feel desire for someone first – and to let that desire build over a LONG period – was a necessary thing. When July rolls around, I WANT to be going completely nuts wanting sex. That would be exactly according to plan LOL! Because this “me not wanting sex” thing? Is weird, and freaks me out, honestly.

OK, so those are some of my main reasons. The “rules” are simple: no sex until July. Dates are fine, kissing is okay, that’s all. Exact date in July to be determined, and hey, I will likely throw a party to celebrate! :p

Questions? Please throw them at me! The more I explain it to others, the more I understand it myself…

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I wrote this to my ex today for his birthday. I’ve been planning to start writing thank you letters to all the people in my life. This seemed an apt place to start.

Dear D,

In honor of your 33rd, I wanted to list a handful of things I like, appreciate, admire and/or am thankful for about you.

1 – Your tenacity. You hit every challenge like you’re jumping over a truck – it might be tough, and involve a few tumbles, but you’re absolutely convinced that if you just go for it enough times you’ll make it over eventually. That fucking rocks.
2 – Your way with words. You have a lyrical gift, and an intense intellectual approach to your poetry that is nothing short of amazing.
3 – Your artistic vision. You bring the same intellectual approach as with your writing, but then hit it off with color and form that grab people’s attention…and that have so many layers if only they look harder.
4 – Your openmindedness. In the course of my knowing you, you have become an advocate of natural childbirth, cosleeping, babywearing, cooking from scratch, and other less child-friendly things LOL. All things that were all a stretch for you years ago, and are now second nature.
5 – Our children. Oh, what a gift I have had from you there. Words cannot express.
6 – Your dedication to fitness. As I struggle with consistency in my workouts, I look to you as an example of how to fit in fitness even in the most tight schedule.
7 – Your commitment to being a great father. Though we may differ in our opinions of how exactly that is defined, your commitment to your ideals is always clear to anyone.
8 – Your embracing of nongender norms…like wearing skirts! Not only do they look great on you, but the fact that doing so fucks with “traditional” gender expectation is just awesome. You’re fearless in that regard, and it’s wonderful.
9 – Right along with that is your willingness to allow the kids to do both “girly” and “nongirly” stuff. Not everyone can manage that mental shift, but after that fated conversation we had, you truly did, and made me prouder than I can possibly explain.
10 – You once stood up to your mom for me. ’nuff said.
11 – From you I have learned to put myself in another viewpoint with every discussion. The most difficult and yet valuable lesson to learn from loving someone so different from yourself is to understand why they see things the way they do. I would not be able to see others viewpoints nearly as well as I can without the many years of practice I’ve had with you.
12 – From you I first discovered that I am polyamorous, long before I understood what it meant. Precisely because of our early rocky start, I learned through experience that love and monogamy are not exclusive; that when you cheated on me it did not mean that the love was gone but merely that there were issues we had to address. From you I learned that I could love more than one person, that love is expansive, and that I carry that love inside of me, regardless.
13 – I am thankful for your support during the birth of each kid, but particularly with Eva. With your support I had the most powerful experience of my life, one which you affected in ways I am not sure you understand. But I do, and I thank you.
14 – From you I have learned that anger can be put aside for love, even in the most heated situation. I don’t always succeed, but I know from my history with you that it CAN be done, and that every argument need not end in tears if we can only recognize that at heart, we do care for each other. I admire how often you succeed in pulling back from anger when you could easily allow yourself to be swept away.
15 – You are damn sexy. It kind of goes without saying :-p but I’ll say it anyway.
16 – You have a great deal of compassion, even when you think you don’t. It’s untrue – you do, and I see it all the time.
17 – From you I have learned and finally understood that a room is like a mind. This is a gift you have given me.
18 – Your ambition inspires me to push myself harder. Whenever I hear Madonna’s song “Push”, I think of you – that is exactly what you do for me.
19 – From you I have learned that I need to be strong for myself, that I need to hold on to my own power and be careful not to give it away, even to someone who loves and cares for me deeply. This is an incredibly valuable lesson.
20 – I admire your willingness to see your own weaknesses even when it is difficult to do so.
21 – Your fashion sense. What’s not to love? 🙂 I especially appreciate that you learned to Dress Appropriately – whatever that may call for.
22 – I love your playfulness. It would be easy for you to be Mr. Serious, but it is never a fear. If I forget that, I need only watch you with the kids.
23 – I am grateful that you were willing to take risks with me in D/s. It was an amazing experience and taught me a great deal.
24 – I appreciate your honesty. Though at times it is painful, you have taken on my view that honesty is of primary importance, no matter the difficulty, and you are, in my view, a better person for it.
25 – I admire and respect your discipline.
26 – You can be a fabulous teacher. With the kids, with your parkour students, and I am sure with others, you display a patience and ability to make others feel comfortable that you should be quite proud of.
27 – Your humility. For all your many talents, you are always humble, and seem surprised when people admire you. You shouldn’t be surprised – you definitely deserve it – but it is lovely that it does not go to your head.
28 – Your loyalty and supportiveness. I have appreciated both for many years now. Even when you disagree with me, you always support my choices. It is a rare gem.
29 – Your love of physics. It’s just awesome. 🙂
30 – Dancing…oh the dancing. I really adore going out dancing with you.
31 – Your willingness to try all the weird food I’ve hoisted on you through the years. Mmmmm green smoothies.
32 – Your tenderness. So many of the things you are known for are in the Tough Strong Brave category, but when I watch you with the kids, I can see your soft-hearted center, and it fills me with joy. I can see in the kids that they take some of that from you.
33 – Your intensity. Sometimes it is difficult to deal with, your unwillingness to do things halfway, but I admire it nonetheless. Everything you do, you do with a passion.

Happy birthday. You gave me wings when I could not fly, and opened my heart further than I thought possible. You taught me to look after myself, to fight when needed, and to believe in my own abilities. You encouraged me to dance when I was afraid, to perform more, and that I had something people would want to watch. You gave me two of the most amazing, beautiful and intelligent children I have ever met, and work with me to raise them in a way we will both be proud of. I am grateful to you for so many things, this list is but a short glimpse. I am eternally thankful for your influence in my life. May your 33rd year bring you much clarity, great joy, and the financial freedom that you have been seeking. I love you.

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Some interesting things happened with this last Episode. Mainly, The Ex found out that I have been posting these convos for all to see. Unsurprisingly, she was not pleased at all. She left some very volatile remarks on the original Facebook Note I had posted as Episode 1, but either realized that by doing so she was publicly identifying herself, or just decided she didn’t want her full rantings aired, so she deleted them. Luckily for you all, I have them in my email! What follows is in time order.

Also, check out Episode 7.5, wherein The Ex takes out her issues with my marriage on a friend’s page!

***************************************

******
Today at 9:55pm

Below are some issues I have had with you. Thus me reaching out to you to deal it whit and move on. In talking to you I have a understanding of who you are as a person. To me you have always been a stranger you always got that “What The Fuck” reaction from me. You also bring out the “Fuck You” in me as well.

So below are the three issues I had. The first two I am over. I have clarity, NEW perspective and I am more willing to hear people out. Even people I don’t really care for.
(I know the feeling goes both ways.)

Then:
Deme pulled a huge mind fuck on me and I am try to gain some sanity.
Clearly I will never get that from him. You reward a man for being a liar and an asshole. Any person who cheats and lies over and over does not love anyone other then themselves. End of story. And yet you reward him. I like to think most people want to be with someone who is loyal and honest. Not an asshole.

Now:
I would think a Poly Relationship would be based on honesty. I like to believe you are a honest person who should be with another honest person. I am happy you found that in another relationship.

Then:
You and Deme live the lifestyle of a single people yet you both believe you are entitled to marriage. Marriage is a legal agreement between two people in a committed and monogamous relationship. People who are married get benefits and social rewards for that.

I don’t get benefits and rewards for fucking anything with a pulse why you two?
I feel this towards anyone who is in an open marriage. I don’t care what people do in bed but getting a hook up for sleeping around is not fair.

Now:
I still don’t agree in Poly Open Marriages. However its good to know that there are women who are into it because it is right for them. Not because it makes a man happy.

Then:
For someone who is a dancer you are really unaware of yourself. The tone you use towards me, how your body langue changes near me, and the wording of the messages you and I have exchanged.

Now:
You are passive aggressive at times. I act the same way at times. So I am familiar with the behavior. It’s something I am working on and if anything you have reinforced that lesson. I can’t expect you to change. But I believe I can.

So that’s basically it. I have said everything I have wanted to say.
Knowing I’m sure you and Deme got some amusement out of all this, I don’t expect you to take anything seriously.

Ginger Baker
Today at 11:23pm

The issues you have:
1) I am with an honest person. Actually, two. Thank you for your support. On another note, I am sorry that Deme hurt you so much. I don’t believe that was his intention.

2) There are quite a few other women I know who chose poly for themselves. As for benefits, I don’t think tax benefits should go to someone for being married. I think it goes part in parcel with having kids, marital status should not matter.

3) If you believe I was passive aggresive in our recent message exchanges, I must wonder just which other option you would have suggested: a) outright aggressive, b) ignore, c) be completely passive.

I did find some amusement. Would you rather I have been angry?

************
Comments on my Note:
****** made a comment about your note “Exes With Issues, Episode 1!”:

Wow you are a stupid bitch who will never learn.

****** made a comment about your note “Exes With Issues, Episode 1!”:

BITCH THAT ASSHOLE WANTED TO FUCK AND DATE ME WHILE HE WAS MARRIED TO YOU!!! I WAS HONEST. I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD MORE RESPECT FOR YOU THEN HE DID. ALSO WHAT MAN LEAVES HIS WIFE BEFORE SHE GIVES BIRTH? AN ASSHOLE THAT’S WHO. WHEN LIKE YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID.

Scrawled by Ginger Baker ’round about 10:24 in the evenin’ Month o’ May 27

If you were honest, I would have found out from you and not the Internet, don’t you think?

************

u know what
Between You and ******

******
Today at 10:43pm

you are the one who slept with a married man before.
Karma is a bitch.

you took that asshole back after he pulled that shit more then once.
you fucked up.

I may have issues but you are a stupid bitch.
And you can’t fix that.

you two should are good for one another.

Ginger Baker
Today at 11:39pm

We are very good for each other. You have no idea.

******
Today at 11:40pm

i can see.

***********************************

******
Today at 11:37pm

You found out online because it was not my place to tell you.
It was Deme’s.

I wrote a blog because i wanted avdice from people.
I didn’t think you would read it at all.

It may have been wroung to be so public about it.
I get it.
I was being a child about it.

But the fact that you are acting this way… WOW.

If you wanna blame me for something you did to yourself to feel better fine.

I’m working on my issues and that’s somethng anyone can fix.
You are stupid and that’s not something you can fix.

HAVE A GOOD LIFE.

Ginger Baker
Today at 11:48pm

I did not find out from your blog, but from an email that I had no business reading, but I knew something was wrong so I did anyway.

I did not act “this way” – all I did was post what was written between us. After the first one I basically did not comment at all, and I took your name out of all of them. But I’ll be damned if I was going to sit here and put up with you raving at me about things that are old and I frankly don’t care about, and stay calm with you in the face of all that anger, without getting something – in this case amusement – in return.

*****
Today at 12:05am

Keep feeding into it.

Ginger Baker
Today at 12:06am

🙂

******
Today at 12:06am

🙂

And at last we have reached what, I believe, will be the end. Of course, this now means I will have to come up with other shit to post about here!

 

Not Deme. Cute ain't he? ;-)

Not Deme. Cute ain't he? 😉

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So just before Episode 8 occurred, a friend posted something on her FB page, and The Ex replied…and ended up taking out all her issues with my marriage on my poor Lovely Random Friend‘s page. I stayed out of it, not wanting to instigate things. At the conclusion of Episode 8, The Ex defriended my Lovely Random Friend. Apparently, being associated with me at all is Too Much for The Ex! Anyway, since she had to put up with all this, Lovely Random Friend requested to be included in Episode 8. However, Episode 8 turned out to be quite long, so instead I am giving Lovely Random Friend a whole post of her own! Enjoy!

************************

Lovely Random Friend just saw an anti-gay marriage add on youtube in with a link about contacting your state senators as one of their sponsors.

****** at 4:26pm May 26
If people want to ‘save marriage’ then you would think people would be anti divorce and anti open marriages.

Lovely Random Friend at 5:03pm May 26
most of them are.

****** at 5:14pm May 26

GOOD!!!

Divorce, Separation, and Open Marriages should be gone all together. People who support Divorce, Separation, and Open Marriages are for people who do not take commitment seriously.

(When it comes to marriage I am traditional in that one sense).

Marriage is a LIFE LONG Commitment till death you part between two people.
Gender play’s NO ROLE in that.

Lovely Random Friend at 5:25pm May 26

I think there is a difference between commitment and monogamy. Commitment means you are committed to being with a person, monogamy means your not going to be with anyone else. I think open marriages are fine as long as there is honesty, communication, and the people involved have the same amount of power and say in the relationship.

***** at 6:30pm May 26

Marriage is a commitment.
Commitment is for people who can do monogamy.

If you are not willing to build a life with another person, put in the time and emotional energy into that relationship or be with the person you are married to till death you part.

People in open marriages are just as bad as:
1. People who get married for a green card.
2. People who get married for issuance.
3. Women who marry really old rich men so they can get money when the old man dies.

Nor should they get the benefits from marriage either.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Lovely Random Friend at 7:43pm May 26

You can if you have a lot of cake.

****** at 10:29pm May 26

Sex without love is basically using a some else’s body to bust a nut. So if you are okay with being some man’s sex object then that’s fine. But don’t expect him to love you for anything else other then your vagina.

Lovely Random Friend had some GREAT potential replies to this, but held back as her dad reads her page!

Some other friends did step into the fray the next day though. 🙂

Scrawled by Helpful Friend #1 round about 8:47 in the evenin’ Month o’ May 28 (Ahem…I have set my FB to PIRATE!)

I agree with Wanda Sykes:

It’s very simple, if you don’t believe in same-sex marriage, then don’t marry somebody of the same sex. I don’t understand people all up in arms over shit that don’t affect them.
If you want to protect the sanctity of marriage, ban divorce. Make marriage like the mafia: Once you’re in, you’re in. I mean, the murder rate will go up, but you now, hey.

Ms. Sykes is a living example of the benefits of both divorce and gay marriage. She was married to a man, realized she was gay, divorced him, and is now married to a loving wife. And everybody lived happily ever after.

As a social worker who works with homeless women who are trying to leave abusive relationships, I take offense at anyone who says “ban divorce.”; Largely due to the lobbying of the Catholic Church, it is actually very hard to get a divorce in NYC, especially if you have no money and especially if your spouse is controlling and fights it.

Scrawled by Lovely Random Friend round about 10:51 in the evenin’ Month o’ May 28
You’re just saying that so you can get married and then divorced to each of the 60 men you’re seeing .

Scrawled by Helpful Friend #2 ’round about 12:52 in the mornin’ Month o’ May 29
I always say, NO divorce for straights. But Johanna just made me feel guilty about it.

Scrawled by Helpful Friend #1 round about 1:49 in the mornin’ Month o’ May 29
oh LRF, you know me so well!
#2: lol! divorce is only for the gays? but seriously, it is a real problem that religious lobbying (amongst other things) has made divorce so inaccessible for so many in this state. and when you are poor and trying to leave a violent situation, you don’t have any good options. for example, if you are legally married, you cannot access shelters in NYC unless you and your spouse are together. so people leaving a violent spouse cannot access safe shelter because they cannot access divorce. because in NY state you NEED at least $300 and your spouse’s permission to get a no-fault divorce. lacking either of those things, you’re screwed.
it boggles my mind that adults can be forced to remain in legal relationships that they want out of.

Scrawled by Helpful Friend #2 ’round about 9:31 in the mornin’ Month o’ May 29
Damn. I knew about the $300 part but I never really thought about the rest. That’s exactly why marriage needs to be recognized as a purely legal contract.

Scrawled by Helpful Friend #1 ’round about 9:27 in the evenin’ Month o’ May 29
word. and people (like religious lobbyists or whoever) need to not be so concerned with other people’s relationships. as wanda sykes said, i don’t understand people all up in arms over shit that don’t affect them!

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Please see Episode 5 for the message I am replying to (in red).

Missed the previous Episodes? Catch up here: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4 and The Prequel.

Also, this is Deme’s ex, NOT mine. 🙂

These are not edited except to remove names. Enjoy!
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Today at 2:23am
I am poly for a number of reasons.

The main reason is that I have realized that there is no need to fear “losing” love. Love is limitless. When I realized that I have love in abundance, I looked around and realized that limiting myself in romantic-love made about as much sense as not having a second child for fear that I might not “love that one as much.” This is a real and serious concern for some parents, but I was never worried about it, and it just doesn’t work that way. So that it at the core of why being polyamorous works for me.

Now as it happened, Deme and I were “open” but not poly at first. By that I mean we started off (after getting back together) free with our sexual encounters but not getting emotionally involved with others. This was easy because our experience being separated showed us clearly that fucking other people in no way affected our feelings for each other. Jealousy was never an issue – if anything we both enjoy hearing about the other’s dates. So the physical openness started before we crossed the emotional line – and crossing that line did take a great deal of communication in the beginning, and of course still today.

Being polyamorous for me does not mean that I am “lacking” anything in Deme. Instead it is that I enjoy having close friendships, and being monogamous makes that very hard for me. By default, in order to stay monogamous easily and not be tempted, I keep my distance from other people. I am a very sexual person by nature, and the people I am attracted to as friends of course I find attractive sexually over time as well. While it could be argued that I could have close friends by turning off that sexual aspect of me, that part of me is integral to who I am. In fact, in looking over the past I have come to realize that the times when I am depressed correlate strongly with the times when I have essentially turned off my flirtatious nature.

Having friendships outside of my marriage, where I no longer need to worry about constantly staying on my guard, makes things much better for my relationship with Deme. In particular, it removes two sources of stress: 1) that when Deme is my only friend, I want to spend an obsessive amount of time with him, and 2) I would then be jealous when he wanted to spend time going out with other friends (see #1). Many of my current friendships do not end up going down a sexual path, but because I no longer have to worry about it, I no longer have to cut myself off from people to avoid potential cheating. In addition, my boyfriend is extremely supportive of Deme, and has been invaluable at time when I am upset with Deme for something – he always is there to calm me down and help me see all the good things in Deme. Many a time I have realized my own mistakes in a fight much more quickly because my boyfriend will gently point out Deme’s side.

There is much more I could say about this topic, but suffice it to say that I am very happy this way, and our marriage is stronger than it has been at any time in the past.

As an aside, it seems that transexuals must present quite the conundrum for you.

Glitter and glam

Glitter and glam

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Missed the previous Episodes? Catch up here: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4 and The Prequel.

Also, this is Deme’s ex, NOT mine. 🙂

These are not edited except to remove names. Enjoy!
********************************************

******
May 13 at 2:55pm

If you money is a issue when it comes to going back to school.

There are lots of programs and organizations that give money to single women to go to school.

Also studies have shown that white women or more likely to get hired, receive promotions, get into college and, get paid more money over Hispanic, Asian, or Women Of Color.

Plus you are The Standard Jen.
It’s a sad fact of life.

Not like you would understand.
***************************************
I am not telling you what to do.
But if someone Say’s to me “I Wish…” I tell whoever to do something about it and stop wishing.
***************************************
As far as guilt goes.

I realized now that I never did anything.
I never told lies or 1/2 truths.
I never tried to seduce anyone.

At the time:
I felt guilty for not walking away from temptation.
I felt guilty for having sexual fantasy’s about a married man.
I never did act out on them but I felt guilty for having them.

I also got my heart broken.
I even felt guilty for that.

Feeling guilt over feelings is shitty.
You can’t possibly imagine what it is like to feel guilt over having a broken heart.

I never allowed myself to heal from it for a long time.
When I got over my guilt.

It took me long time to comes to terms with everything and now that I am clear headed about it I am creating an opportunity for myself to address it.

I about to be done with school and nyc as a whole.
If I am going to move on fully then I need all my skulls out of the closet and start freash. That means getting rid of all my bagage.

You may have never needed a freash Start from life. I
hope you never do. But sometimes you need to go back to go foward.
***************************************
I felt like since you and I both got fucked over in our own way.
Maybe you could bring some light.

Like I said before.
I am asking you to be understanding and you can’t be.
I’m glad that what happened 3 to 4 years ago did not affect you.

Maybe you deal with hurt better then I do.
Maybe you are like Deme and don’t have real feelings.
Maybe you are being dismissive because you can’t deal and this is to painful.
***************************************

Have that last word if you want.

Ginger Baker
May 13 at 2:58pm

I think perhaps you are confused over one point: I am not single. Deme and I are together, and were never “legally” separated anyway.

I will respond to the rest of your message soon, but I wanted to clear that up.

******
May 13 at 3:07pm

Do you really care that much if I call you single?
Or are you trying to rub it in my face that you “won” Deme and I ‘lost’.

Ginger Baker
May 13 at 3:12pm

Not at all. You said “There are lots of programs and organizations that give money to single women to go to school.” I was just clarifying the point that I do not, in fact, qualify for those funds.

******
May 13 at 3:23pm

Single and Seperated are kind of the same right?
I say single because you have your own apartment / space.
I think there maybe a loop or something.

But I guess you get some of the same benifits as marriage under seperated.
If that plays a role then I guess not. But it can’t hurt to try.

Sorry for bringing that up and the catty like remark.

Ginger Baker
May 13 at 3:28pm

I understand where the confusion is coming from now. When I moved into my apartment, Deme and I were not together. But we reconciled some 2 or 3 years ago now, so while we have our own spaces, we are married (legally and emotionally) and together, similar to how guys often have a “den” in a 2 story house.

Diversion Message into the POLY thing – Separate Post on this coming soon!
******
May 13 at 3:56pm

Okay so:

Since you are polly.

Is that why you don’t care about what happened?

If you are married legally and emotionally then how come you have a boyfriend outside of that? How come he (the boyfriend) or Deme not enough for you?

I can understand why men are polly but not why women are.
Women are known for having real emotions.
Men don’t.

I’m curious that’s why I am asking.
You don’t have to answer.

I understand not all reashionships outside of marriage are black and white.

However marriage is two people together in love making a life / family with one another. I also support same sex unions. However Marriage is two people.

This is another topic. If you don’t want to touch it that’s fine. What works for some does not work for others.

Ginger Baker
May 13 at 3:58pm
Re: Poly, I will absolutely reply to this, but it will have to wait until tomorrow so that I have time to put my thoughts together in a way that will be understandable.

Ginger Baker
Today at 11:20pm

Money is only partly an issue when it comes to school, as I could always take out a loan. The more relevant factor to me is the balance of time. I am very happy to put off school until the kids are older.

Studies show trends over large groups. They are useless to me as an individual.

I do go for the things I “wish” – I don’t do wishes, I do goals. Those goals however work within the framework of my reality.

Guilt for you was never assigned by me. Work it out however feels best for you.

I cannot imagine what it is like to saddle yourself with so much guilt, this is true. I am not one for holding onto such things, I prefer to live in the present rather than in the past.

I am glad that you are giving yourself a fresh start.

I am not sure what you want me to bring light onto – is there something specific you are looking for me to clear up?

What happened then did affect me, in a big way. It helped me learn that I can choose to be angry, or choose to be happy, and it taught me that I really don’t *like* being angry. It makes me physically ill. So I let it dissipate, since it only hurts me to hold onto it.

As for getting fucked over, I have made my peace with that long long ago.

Happy

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