I had an interesting exchange with a hot guy I had a date with. We were flirting via text (we had met briefly at a party a few days before – I’ll get more into that in a moment) and he asked “What is it that initially attracted you to me?” Now, in some ways this was a very simple answer: he’s hot! But I gave a slightly more thoughtful reply. I said that first, he just hot so of course that caught my eye, but that really it was the good eye contact that made me pay attention and make a note to find him later (we were in line for the bathroom at the time). When he texted me back, he said it was funny that I had mentioned eye contact, that in the past girls had been unnerved by it and guys upset by it.
This is fascinating to me because in my experience strong eye contact alone can pick up strangers off the street. Now, sure, some of it is because I am a girl, but the experience that was most clear in that respect was one in which I was walking down the street in what can only be described as frumpy clothes, my hair a mess and all. And yet I had a super hot guy with a sixpack turn from walking the other way and follow me into the lobby of a building to get my number! Additionally, on the other side, I have hooked up with a number of people because they caught my eye (literally) and weren’t afraid to hold my gaze.
Strong eye contact indicates confidence, an assurance that you know what you want and are not afraid to let other people know it. It demands that the other person meet your eyes as an equal – and if they look away right away, you’ve clearly made them nervous (or perhaps exceedingly bored – but it should be clear which it is!). Flirting and fighting really aren’t that different in some ways :-). In fact, eye contact that you really refuse to let go of can become very aggresive.
If you find that you always look away, give some thought to why. Girls especially are very prone to looking away (“shyly”) when someone they find attractive is looking directly at them. But there is really no reason to be intimidated by that flirtation (generally – again, you will know the difference!). After all, clearly said guy (or girl) is eyeing you for a reason, right? So go ahead and hold that eye contact for a moment, be confident that YES, you absolutely are on the same level as this person, and maybe smile a bit before you look away. Better yet, if the person flirting with you is across the room, break that eye contact while you gather your drink or whatnot, get up, walk over and say “Hi. I’m ____.” Approaching people yourself (gender nonspecific) is the best way to meet someone new!
On the topic of approaching people, if you’ve gotten a clear vibe that they’re interested (say you’re at a party and you’ve walked up to said guy and asked “So, do you have a girlfriend?” and he says “No.” with a smile – a clear sign here, folks) go ahead and say what’s on your mind! In this particular case for me, after I said that to the guy (and to keep it light, I replied “Good, neither do I!”, which allowed me to cover the poly info quickly since he then asked about a boyfriend), several women came up and were touchy feely with him. He clearly knew them previously, and I backed off some in case he was trying to hook up with any of them. Towards the end of the party, I was sitting behind him on a bed and just decided, well, fuck it, he said he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so I starting running my nails down his back. When that got a good response from him (hands on my leg, etc.) but I still was not sure if he might be headed home with someone else that night, I leaned over and said “So, I would LOVE to fuck you tonight, but if that isn’t going to happen let me know, and I will leave now while I have someone to travel with.” He replied with a simple “Tonight is no good, what about tomorrow?”, we settled on Wednesday, and I left the party with a solid date and an awesome experience.
He loved that I was so forward and just said what I wanted. Actually, when you think about it, when people talk about women being “forward” does that mean that being otherwise is being “backward”? I think yes. Additionally, saying what I want is how I pretty much always get it. A win in my book!
When you think it over, and maybe say “Oh, but I could never do that!”, keep this in mind: What was the worst that would happen? Worst case scenario, he would say, Look, I’m really not interested, sorry. Most people do try to be polite about rejection, y’know, so it’s really not that bad. (Now, if your “worst case scenario” includes something like “I will get sued for sexual harassment”, obviously that is different! Know your situation and judge accordingly.)
Do you have a favorite flirting/pickup story? Do share!