Positive sexuality is a term I use a lot. I’m sure other people use it elsewhere, but I pretty much made it up for myself to describe my view of sex and sexuality, and so I am sure that how I define it versus how others do is different.
One of the main reasons I started using that term is because sexuality for so many people by default carries a lot of negatives. People are raised to feel guilty and shameful of their desires and their bodies, and this to my mind is not only sucky in general but also potentially harmful.
One of the things that I think is vital to have a positive, healthy sexuality is to know your own desires *and accept them*. This doesn’t mean that you have to shout your preferences from the rooftops (your mom has no real reason to know you like being whipped unless you want her to), does mean letting go of shame that you hold onto regarding any of your sexual impulses. Caveat: if you are dealing with fantasies that involve nonconsent, this may not apply to you. I am NOT advocating nonconsent of any form – those of you who practice consensual nonconsent know I am not talking about you 🙂 since there is consent at some point in the process.
Ooookay, caveat aside, most kinks and desires can be expressed in a positive way, and finding that way is important to your sexuality and your relationships.
I was speaking recently with two friends who each have an issue with sex that they haven’t really come to terms with. In both cases, because of this basic level of discord that they have regarding sex, they are limiting themselves in attracting partners. It sounds very “New Age-y” but it really is true that what you put out there is what you will find. I like to use the term “vibration”, and not just ’cause I’m kinky like that. :-p Basically, if you are on a level that is full of drama and wants sex but feels bad about it, well, those are the kind of people you will be attracting in your life.
Back to my friends: One enjoys sex with men upon occasion, but is very unwilling to identify himself as bi (he definitely loves girls more), the other mostly has sex with guys (and he doesn’t like to be defined as gay OR bi for that matter, but that is not a problem, he just doesn’t like being labelled) and his issue is that he REALLY dislikes condoms. In both cases, they harbor a lot of shame, and because of this they get into difficult and at time dangerous situations. But in reality, it doesn’t need to be that way.
So what holds them back? Boy 1 has a lot of guy friends from childhood, old school kinda guys that don’t even get his kinkiness with girls – he shudders to think how they might react to his enjoying the occasional cock. However, he’s gotten onto fetlife, he’s gone to a TES meeting or two, and now that he’s starting to meet more people who are very open and accepting of sexuality of any sort, he’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable with his own sexuality. I talked to him a lot about it the last time we hung out because it’s clear that until he gets it together on this he will not meet the kind of people he wants to get into relationships with (we were talking about how you find poly people to date).
Boy 2 has what seems at first glance to be a more difficult problem. But really, it doesn’t have to be. Is it safe to go without a condom, especially with anal? No, of course not. BUT, you can minimize the risk if you make it clear to your potential partners from the beginning, and both get tested – and of course casual sex is not a good idea in this case. Part of what holds him back from dealing with this desire in a healthy manner is the guilt that was drummed into him for years, that this Is Not Safe…and, since he was going to do it anyway, well that must just make him bad for wanting it right? Except that is doesn’t. If this came about from, say, having a latex allergy (and no options), would he feel as bad about it? Not likely – since that wouldn’t be a “choice”, and thus couldn’t be “his fault”.
So how does this relate to you? What secret things are you not quite willing to accept about yourself because they are just “so bad”? Drag them out into the light – you’ll find most things really aren’t so bad as you think. Barring necrophilia or child molestation, you’re pretty much guaranteed it’s not so horrible. 🙂 And when you think about it, what is really so bad about “fill in kink here”? Most of them…nada.