Please see Episode 5 for the message I am replying to (in red).
Also, this is Deme’s ex, NOT mine. 🙂
These are not edited except to remove names. Enjoy!
The main reason is that I have realized that there is no need to fear “losing” love. Love is limitless. When I realized that I have love in abundance, I looked around and realized that limiting myself in romantic-love made about as much sense as not having a second child for fear that I might not “love that one as much.” This is a real and serious concern for some parents, but I was never worried about it, and it just doesn’t work that way. So that it at the core of why being polyamorous works for me.
Now as it happened, Deme and I were “open” but not poly at first. By that I mean we started off (after getting back together) free with our sexual encounters but not getting emotionally involved with others. This was easy because our experience being separated showed us clearly that fucking other people in no way affected our feelings for each other. Jealousy was never an issue – if anything we both enjoy hearing about the other’s dates. So the physical openness started before we crossed the emotional line – and crossing that line did take a great deal of communication in the beginning, and of course still today.
Being polyamorous for me does not mean that I am “lacking” anything in Deme. Instead it is that I enjoy having close friendships, and being monogamous makes that very hard for me. By default, in order to stay monogamous easily and not be tempted, I keep my distance from other people. I am a very sexual person by nature, and the people I am attracted to as friends of course I find attractive sexually over time as well. While it could be argued that I could have close friends by turning off that sexual aspect of me, that part of me is integral to who I am. In fact, in looking over the past I have come to realize that the times when I am depressed correlate strongly with the times when I have essentially turned off my flirtatious nature.
Having friendships outside of my marriage, where I no longer need to worry about constantly staying on my guard, makes things much better for my relationship with Deme. In particular, it removes two sources of stress: 1) that when Deme is my only friend, I want to spend an obsessive amount of time with him, and 2) I would then be jealous when he wanted to spend time going out with other friends (see #1). Many of my current friendships do not end up going down a sexual path, but because I no longer have to worry about it, I no longer have to cut myself off from people to avoid potential cheating. In addition, my boyfriend is extremely supportive of Deme, and has been invaluable at time when I am upset with Deme for something – he always is there to calm me down and help me see all the good things in Deme. Many a time I have realized my own mistakes in a fight much more quickly because my boyfriend will gently point out Deme’s side.
There is much more I could say about this topic, but suffice it to say that I am very happy this way, and our marriage is stronger than it has been at any time in the past.
As an aside, it seems that transexuals must present quite the conundrum for you.