I rummaged through my Myspace and pulled up these old messages, circa Summer 2006. Most unfortunately, I do not have my replies – they were not included in the message when she replied and Myspace does not keep sent messages past 2 weeks. Sadly, I did not have the foresight to save those messages!
Date: Jun 19, 2006 10:26 PM
Subject: i just wanted to say
You won the war.
He loves you and used me.
Hope you and demi are happy together.
how can you be my friend when you hate me?
You can never hate me as much as I hate myself for everything.
i mean you ignored me that time where where both at demi and asa’s place.
and his timing was shitty.
I told him how i felt after he told me and i felt bad.
You hang out with him more.
and all he does is go on and on about how your a million times better than me in EVERYTHING.
So I just gave up.
Sorry I fucked shit up.
Subject: Sorry if i made this messgae all about me
So here is the deal. I felt REALLY FUCKING BAD about everything. I never wanted to get between two people breaking up. When I heard from Demi and ***** how you see me as “the other woman” I was insulted. I really thought you where awesome. I found you intelligent, beautiful and strong. Basically everything that was the OPOSITE of the many things I cannot stand in women.
I wanted to be your friend till that point.
I felt that I tried to be friendly and nice to a new person that misjudged me. I felt that if you got to know anything about me that you would know that I would never try to break up relationships.
The ONLY reason why I told Demi I love him was because he asked me how I felt about him. AFTER he told me FIRST his feelings towards me. And frankly I thought it was a joke. Because nothing before that point ever happened between us that would hit or show there was anything between us more than friendship.
I also told him to be honest with you and he did after me pushing him to tell you. I should have been that one to say something but you would beat me down and frankly I hate to fight. I like to avoid pain as much as possible on any level. But then he instead on breaking the news.
As far as the Girly-Girl comment. I say things based on my own personal definitions of things. Any female who wears skirts, heals and make up is girly to me. It’s not a bad thing your fucking hot and you look good that way. It was not an insult being girly or not.
But I have only heard that you have negative feelings towards me.
It’s funny how your more aware of the situation between he and I and I’m clueless. I don’t believed I ever did anything to use him. Being how he told me in a nut shell that If I don’t have sex with him he wants nothing to do with me.
But you knew that already. Being how he tells you everything that happens between us. Good to know I have one less person to trust.
thank you for the insight
Anyway time to drink this bottle of vodka and take some Ibuprofen with some Restoril.
Subject: Glad the mix up is all over with.
I have to confess some of this was hard to type. I’m not to good at placing things on paper as most people. I do much better talking. So here goes:
Well, if I knew all this a long time ago I would have stopped placing the blame on myself. That really clears things up for me. Thank you for taking the time out to break things down. I’m sure you have many other things you would rather do.
It sucks that the situation happened they way it did. I would have rather have gotten crazy calls with you yelling at me over the phone so there was some kind of dialog between us. That could over time bring and earlier understanding of everything.
I would never expect you and I to be the best of buddies ever. I do however know demi is an every good choice in charter and the people he chose’s to be in his life are good people. So if where both in his life on some level he values us both. Each of us different reasons.
(And your probably insulted that I even said he even values me. I mean who would compared to 8 plus more years you have known him. How could he right? I mean I don’t believe he does 45% that he does)
But the point is that if where both good people then why can’t good things happen? I felt like on some level you and I got along. I mean I know that if we ever bump into each other it’s going to be weird. And if where ever in the same room it’s going to be weird.
But if Demi can see all the good things in both of us then maybe we can see the good in each other. And who knows maybe we can go past weird and tolerable towards each other. To cilvil and pleasant. I’m not saying let’s be cilvil and pleasant for demi but if it is something that could happen then it should be because it’s something we both would like for ourselves.
But if that’s not something you wish to do then it’s okay.
Hope all is well with you.
Glad the mix up is all over with.
Subject: I forgot to add this in the last message
I don’t know it this is opening up an issues that I believe we can both agree is dead. But I just wanted to let you know IF demi cheated a 2nd time on you.
And based on your message to me it was the second time (I hope I’m taking in what you said correctly).
I have been accused of fucked up things that I have and have not done in my life. But, I NEVER crossed the line of friendship when you where married.
I would NEVER have any kind of sexual or romantic relationship with someone who is married. I’m not a heartless selfish horny bitch who would do that.
I don’t know if that matters now but in case you did think that. It never happened.
NB: This is an outright baldfaced lie. Not that I care anymore, as Deme and I are way past that, and being poly now, quite happily involved with other people.
Subject: All the way from left field
So I really took the time to think about all the things you said after the One Night Of Fire.
I am not sure what made you share all the things you said to me. I’m not sure if it was because you where as fucked up as I was. Or if it was all a front. I’m not sure if you said everything to make yourself feel better. Or if it was to make me feel better.
(I did not want to respond right away because I find when I let things sit in my brain a while I can be more level headed about things. Plus I feel I can handle things in a more mature manner.)
I must be honest I never had to deal with a person who sets me off the way you do. It’s not a bad thing or a good thing. I do respect you. And it is because I respect you that I wanted to give you a ride home.
We may never be friends.
We may never have another actual convocation.
But I respect you and your higher self if that makes any sense to you.
Good luck in your journey in life.
Subject: about the message i sent you
I’d like to if you didn’t say anything to Deme about it. I think it’s just better that way.
So you can see, this story has a long and torrid history – and thus why I told her “I think we have had this conversation before”!! I was quite content to have closed this topic in 2006…who would thunk she’d decide to open it up again in 2009 out of *nowhere*? C’est la vie! At least it can provide entertainment for you all. *mwuah*